words seem to have failed me. they dont want to come right now. i need them to come. i need to be able to use their power to deal with this, but they have failed me.

no amount of words can describe this terrible hole i feel in my heart. no words can describe the sorrow i feel when i walk in and she isnt at her place at the desk.

i feel like i shouldnt talk about, not with friends or family. i can talk to members and employees without any guilt, because we are sharing in the sorrow together. i know how hard it was for lisa to tell me. i know how hard it was for my coworkers to see me at work, knowing that donna wasnt there. i know how hard it is for everyone here, because we are all going through the same thing.

strange was the word of choice yesterday. maybe it was just shock and not knowing how to react, or how to think about what happened. maybe it was trying to explain my heart and soul to friends that this tragedy did not directly impact. i was very dissociated from myself, which is a very odd feeling in and of itself. time was fast and slow at the same time. until i process it, everything is going to be strange.

what am i supposed to say? that its great coming to work and having to go through my normal daily routine when all i want to do is crawl into a ball and cry until im dry? how can i explain how hurt i feel? there is no anger, not really. theres no barting with god/dess to bring her back. theres no shoulda coulda woulda's. theres just an empty space where she was, an empty place where she used to sit and regale us with stories of her youth. theres a hole in my shoulder where she would pat me when she came back from lunch. theres a hole in every single person, young and old, that walks through the y doors expecting to see her.

how can i explain that? how can i possibly use words to describe this?

she took me under wing, and brought me back from a world that i had created out of doubt, darkness and lies. she taught me about life, and how to live and how to love. she helped me find the strength within myself. i dont know if she knew how much i admired her and how much i looked up to her. i know that she never judged me, however she would kick me in the ass when i needed it.

maybe im not giving my friends enough credit. maybe im just not ready. maybe the words werent coming because i didnt want it to be real yet. maybe a part of me still thinks this is a bad dream.

everyone thinks its death that i have a problem with. i dont. i understand death. i even tried my damndest to meet her on quite a few occasions. neil's interpretation of death has been with me as of late, and i know that it is supposed to be comforting. i can close my eyes and picture the conversation she had with donna on her way. thats some consolation. but how am i supposed to tell someone that without them thinking that im going off my rocker? is it sad that one of the few things that consoles me is the idea of a conversation between donna and death?

but it does. and maybe one day ill write about it......

rest in peace my friend.......

donna j. jones

5/11/1932-07/12/2006